We all define ourselves in different ways. Who we spend our time with, what we believe in, the school we attend.
When we spend years focusing on things, goals, and people outside yourself we can easily end up with that focus defining us; “I am a business woman” or “I am a mother” or “I am a lawyer” or “I take care of my elderly parents”. But, when that focus is no longer there, we can end up feeling very lost and left with time, a heap of uncertainty, and the question … “what now?”.
I have had a few “what now?” moments.
I spent my twenties and thirties working. It was 100% of my focus. Work was important to me, it meant personal and financial independence. I aligned who and how I was with hard work, to the exclusion of all else. I achieved at work to a point where I was ready and able to further my education.
When I was 16 years old, I decided I wanted to do an MBA. I achieved the degree when I was 38. For two years, I studied part-time while I worked. When I achieved the degree, I was over the moon. I felt like I had arrived at a magical destination. It was a goal that meant so very much to me. More than that, for as long as I could remember, it was a way in which I defined myself.
After the graduation festivities died down and I was back at work with no assignments hanging over my head. I was excited to get going, full steam ahead. Instead, there was a team that didn’t need me anymore and a path ahead without a focus or a goal. All I was left with was “what now?”. I had no answer.
I had defined myself by work and achievement for so long that I no longer knew who I was without those things.
I went back to books and interests I had lost along the way. I was trying to find a me I could recognise. I was looking for the me who dreamt of having the academic credentials behind her name.
Who I am finding is a different me. A me made up of all my past experiences that allowed me to reach my dreams, to work, to strive, to live with loss. A me that I am coming to know slowly, quietly. My awareness of self is ever evolving, ever growing, ever deepening.
This process is lifelong for me. To have my identity come from within me, not outside me, means when I hear those words “What now?” ringing in my head again, no matter the reason, I hope to not be left entirely derailed.
Do you have a “what now” experience? Are you on your own journey of discovery?